I must be twenty stories up. Assuming (and it's probaly a very wrong assumption, but it will do) three meters to a story, that makes me sixty meters above the ground. At ten meters per second per second (another approximation) that means anything dropped from this height would be going appoximately (very approximately) thirty-three meters per second when it hits. That's relatively fast, but not as fast as, oh, a car on the freeway.
I'm not sure. It would be easier to decide if I were sure.
Even if I were sure I'd have to come back tonight. There are too many people down there right now. And if you're going to kill yourself by falling off a roof, you have to be steady enough (at this height) to do it headfirst, a tricky proposition. A hospital roof is also probably not the best place to jump from. If you dont' get it right, they're waiting right there to patch you right up again.
Besides, I'd want to leave a note for Subaru-kun. I wonder, would that break his heart? Would he lose himself in grief, cry those pretty green eyes blind? Would it hurt him more if I left a note than if I didn't?
Of course, there's a certian lack of elegance to jumping. Still, it would be easier than anything else. The fence up here is only a meter high. It would be so easy to just heft myself up, lean forward, push off with my toes and fall over it. It would be easier than anything. That is why it is so terribly tempting. Because it isnt' much of a choice; it wouldn't take any great effort of will to do it.
I tend to be suspicious of simple choices, and this one is simple. It would wrap everything up so neatly. Too neatly. But it lurks at the edge of my conciousness, wrapping itself around it, seductive, prefect, smiling.
I think I may have lost, but I cannot, because I cannot have lost. I am simply not subject to emotions.
Which still leaves the question of why I am facing this temptation.
Logically, actually, it's easy. I am expereincing emotions, which are something I am neither supposed nor allowed to experience, so I contemplate the most obvious, simple, and permanent way of getting rid of them.
There are other ways. Yes. There are other ways.
And, well, if all else fails, the roof will still be here.